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Sometimes you have to quote the phrase that provoked the quote as well.
Also see
 
M*A*S*H FUNNY QUOTES
 
and
 
"MADE-ME-THINK" QUOTES
 
 (Recently added quotes appear in the beginning and are separated from the old ones by the line)
 
NEW:
 
A few greetings to begin with ;-):
 
Hawkeye: Hi, Frank.
Trapper: Hello, Frank.
Frank: That'll be the day.
 
Hawkeye: Hi, Frank.
Trapper: Hello, Frank.
Frank: That doesn't scare me a bit!
 
Trapper: Bye, Frank.
Frank: That was totally uncalled for.
 
Trapper to Radar: Where did you learn to drive?
Radar: Bumper cars.
Trapper: Figures.
 
Col.Flagg: CIA doesn't supersede anyone's orders.
Frank: Except the president's.
Flagg: Give us time.
 
Hawkeye: Boy, your mind's in the gutter.
Trapper: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.
 
Frank: And, of course, the coffee is cold again.
Trapper: It's getting better. It's less purple.
 
Frank: Major Houlihan's father was under general McArthur in the cavalry.
Hawkeye to Trapper: Her father was a horse, did you know that?
 
General McArthur's aide: After lunch....
Hawkeye: ... and barfing thereof...
 
Frank: You are common drunks!
Hawkeye: This is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
 
Margaret: The you agree I am fat?
Frank: Oh, Margaret, not fat fat, you are halfway between fat and thin, leaning a little bit not to the fat, but, rather, the thin side of fat.
 
Frank: There's no place in this room for perverts!
Hawkeye: Should we all leave alphabetically?
 
Frank: Need some help, Pierce?
Hawkeye: No, I'd rather save the patient.
 
General McArthur's aide: When answering, always use general's full name: "Yes, general McArthur", "No, general McArthur", "Thank you, general McArthur".
Trapper: God Almighty.
Hawkeye: Close, very close.
 
Col.Flagg: Who is your second in command?
Trapper: Frank Burns, M.D.
Hawkeye: Maniac Depressive, it's an honorary title.
 
Henry: You do trust Father Mulcahy?
Hawkeye: It says I should on all my money.
______________________________________________________________-
 

Frank: Oh, what about the pig sty we live in? My part in neat and tidy, but the other two parties, who shall be nameless, live like swines.
Hawkeye (turning to Trapper): Pierce
Trapper: McIntyre
Both (shaking hands): The Swine Brothers.
 
Hawkeye: Hold, everybody, freeze!
Sidney: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: One of these sandwiches just moved.
 
Colonel Flagg: Hey, up close you are a guy!
Klinger: Far away too.
 
Hawkeye: We brought you some champagne.
Trapper: 15 minutes ago was a very good year!
 
Hawkeye: We'll miss you in our hearts.
Trapper: And in the shower.
 
Henry: You are not married, are you, Radar?
Radar: Not to my knowledge, sir.
 
Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?
Margaret: That's really swell of you, Pete.
 
Margaret (drunk) to Radar: I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake.
Radar: I wonder if you can, too.
 
Hawkeye: We got you drunk your first time.
Trapper: Taught you how to drive the jeep.
Hawkeye: All on the same night.
 
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
 
BJ: You married?
Hawkeye: Someone's gonna have to get me pregnant first.
 
Frank: Keep it down, I am doing something very difficult here.
Hawkeye: Trying to tie your shoe again, Frank?
 
Frank: 1... 2... 3... 4...
Hawkeye: Showing off for the patients again, Frank?
 
Margaret: I suppose you could run the war better than a five-star general.
Hawkeye: The daily news only gave him four.
 
Henry: Klinger, take off that dress at once!
Hawkeye: Not in front of Trapper, he is a married man.
 
Henry: What am I supposed to do? He is a two-star general!
Hawkeye: But he is a three-star loonie!!
 
General Steele: You are insubordinate!
Hawkeye: Right!
Gen. Steele: You are insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you are nuts!
 
Margaret: Seriously, Frank, knowing you'd kill me somehow makes my life worth living.
Frank: Well, I wouldn't kill just anyone, Margaret.
 
Potter: I made Mulcahy the new garbage officer.
Hawkeye: Some men are born to garbage, others have garbage thrust upon them.
 
Frank: We are still at war, you know.
Hawkeye: Oh, I guess, that explains all the boom-booms.
 
Henry: She'll be in her own tent, I'll be in mine.
Hawkeye: Right, now if you excuse us, we'll begin digging out the tunnel.
 
Henry (doing push-ups): 5... 6... 7...
Radar enters: Are you okay?
Henry: Yes.... 27.... 28... 29...
 
Henry: These are captains Pierce.
Hawkeye: And these are captains McIntyre.
 
Nancy: You just have to be Corporal O'Reilly!!!
Radar: Yes, I guess I have to be.
Hawkeye: Cause nobody else wants to be.
 
Margaret (feeling something under the table): Frank, is that your knee?
Frank: I thought it was yours.
Margaret: Well, as long as it's ours.
 
Hawkeye: I'd give 10 dollars for this war to be over.
Trapper: Put me down for ten.
Hawkeye: 20 bucks! How could they turn us down?
Trapper: We could go up to 25, but don't tell them that in the beginning.
 
Trapper: Klinger, how can you wear just a skirt in a cold like this?
Klinger: You think it's easy being a nut?
 
Radar is holding the letter up to the light.
Trapper and Hawkeye enter.
Trapper: Radar, what are you doing?
Radar (quickly hiding the letter): Sorting the mail.
Hawkeye: Otherwise known as a sneak preview.
 
Frank: There's one of those in the camp.
Trapper: One of those?
Hawkeye: Which one of those thoses do you mean, Frank?
 
Klinger: I have to confess. I am a communist.......
Henry: Bolshevik.
Klinger: No, honest!!!
 
Hnery: ....living in tents like animals.
Hawkeye: I didn't know animals live in tents.
 
Margaret: I don't know which one of you is more obscene.
Trapper (poiting to Hawkeye): He is. We took a poll.
 
Henry: Who?
Radar: Chaplain who does water skiing and circumcisions.
Henry: Hey, those are good hobbies!
 
Klinger: My girl, Laverne, she said "yes"! She agreed to marry me!
Henry: Has she ever seen you, Klinger?
Klinger: We've been dating since high school, of course, she's seen me!
Henry: I mean recently!
 
Hawkeye: Nurse, you are out of uniform.
Nurse: Where?
Hawkeye: How about my tent in 5 minutes?
 
General Barker: Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever goes to bed??
Radar: Only on duty, sir.
 
That's a classic:
Hawkeye: Radar, tell him: no ox, no ox!
Radar (to Korean): No ox, no ox!
 
Frank: Sir, I wonder if I can say something useful.
Trapper: I've often wondered that myself.
 
Trapper: Klinger is not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Trapper: Because I am one, and he's never at the meetings.
 
Frank: The minute you surrender, they infiltrate and crawl right into your perimeter!
Hawkeye: Please, there are ladies here, Frank.
 
Radar: She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform.
Hawkeye: She's got more things in her uniform!
 
Margaret: That's so unlike you. You don't like outdoors.
Frank: Thar's ridiculous! I love outdoors! Anytime I'm not indoors that's where you find me!
 
Klinger: Sorry for the mess.
Radar: I cleaned it for 2 hours! There was another mess under it!
 
Hawkeye (speaking about an artery graft): This looks like a piece of spagettini, we need rigatoni!
Kellye: Doctor, I am part Chinese and part Hawaiian. Can you put that in ethnic measurements I can understand?
Hawkeye: A small egg roll.
Kellye: That I understand.
 
Potter: Any other gripes?
Hawkeye: I've got my own gripes, sour gripes! I am bored bored bored bored bored.
BJ: Ahh, man overbored!
 
This one may be not really hilarious, but I just love it:
Charles: Another 20 hours and we'll be relieved of this munchkin hoard.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
Charles: Unworthy of you.
 
Frank: This man is Chinese!
Hawkeye: Then we'll operate with chopsticks.
 
Sergeant: All right, what's in the package?
Hawkeye: Ribs from Chicago.
Sgt: Adam's Ribs?
Trapper: Oh God, he's one of you.
 
Margaret:  They love you, Frank
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me
 
Frank: It's not normal!
Trapper: What's "normal", Frank?
Frank: "Normal" is everybody doing the same thing.
Hawkeye: What about individuality, Frank?
Frank: Individuality's fine - as long as we all do it together.
 
BJ: Tell Cpt. Pierce what you just told me.
Sgt. Blanchard: Are you sure he is okay?
BJ: He is not okay, but you can trust him.
 
BJ and Hawk: Colonel, we'd like a word.
Potter: Take any word you like. It's yours.
 
Frank to Radar: what are you doing in that dress, soldier?
Radar: Sweating, sir.
 
Radar (watching Donald and Margaret kissing): they must really like each other!
BJ: How come they close their eyes?
 
BJ: why don't we toast the happy couple.
Hawkeye: They are too big for our toaster.
 
Margaret: Father, will you join us in a wedlock?
Hawkeye: No, Father, three is a crowd.
 
Frank: Mmmm, with raisins!
Igor: No, sir, -- flies!
 
Potter: Hawkeye, fire that weapon!
Hawkeye (taking the gun and talking to it): You are fired. ... I did it as gently as I could.
 
Frank: I am confining you to quarters, Klinger!
Hawkeye: I am confining you to quarters, too. Give me all your nickels and dimes.
 
Frank: How could anybody use my face?
Hawkeye: How about for a doormat?
 
Klinger (pouring coffee into Potter's cup): How would you like a delicious cup of coffee, sir?
Potter: I'd love it
Klinger: Me too. This stuff stinks.
 
Margaret: I haven't received a letter from my fiance in four days, colonel.
Hawkeye: Want me to write you one?
 
Charles: "Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful."
Potter: "I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten and have it just be my little secret."
 
Klinger: "Colonel, if you can hear me knock three times. If you can't, knock twice."
[knock, knock]
Klinger: "Oh Lord, he's dead."
 
Potter: Would somebody please change the subject.
Hawkeye: Why? Did it wet itself?

Potter: Radar, how do you see thru those filthy glasses?
Radar: I know where everything is.
 
Radar: Well, you just spoke to the hospital. She hasn't even gone into labor yet.
Henry: Don't argue with me. It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't even be there with her.
Radar: Well, at least you were there for the important part.
 
Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: North wind cesspool, east wind latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the South.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
 
Henry: That scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's okay, the champagne I just had was gin.
 
Henry: Boy I sure wish I knew what was going on.
Radar: Oh I'll tell you later, sir.
Henry: You always say that, Radar, but you never do.
 
Radar: It's your wife, your anniversary call.
Frank: But that was last month.
Radar: I just got through.
 
Potter: And give me some of the hashblue potatoes
Igor: Good choice Sir
 
Nurse:"Can I get a hernia?"(said while trying to cram a record amout of people into a Jeep)
Hawkeye:"Of course, but rent one first to see if you really like it"
 
Frank: I love it here.
Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts; now I've got to figure out which one
 
Flagg: That all depends on HQ.
Henry: HQ
Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?
 
Hawkeye: Bored
BJ: So bored
Hawkeye: So bored it's boring
BJ: Boringdingding
Hawkeye: Boronus, Boretis, Boremus. I came, I saw, I bored
BJ: He bored, she bored, they bored
Hawkeye: All aboard
BJ: I was gonna say that!
 
BJ: You know, I finally figured what it is I hate about winter.
Father Mulcahy: What's that?
BJ: The cold.
 
Hawkeye and BJ are singing under the shower
Charles: Do you realize that you're singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?
Hawkeye: Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff
 
Hawleye: Oh sorry baby.
Margaret: Major to you!
Hawkeye: Sorry Major Baby.
 
BJ: The tent is spinning around.
Hawkeye: Which way?
BJ: Clockwise.
Hawkeye: Mine is going counterclockwise. Maybe together we are sober.
 
BJ: Surgery, Hawk
Hawkeye: Good, have my brains removed.
 
Radar: Sir, can I eat? It's meat loaf.
Potter: Enjoy the mystery.
 
Frank: I am here to relieve you.
Hawkeye: You do resemble an enema.
 
Radar (speaking of his temporary tattoo): It will come off when I take a bath.
Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.
 
Kyoung Soon: What is "Hawk"?
Hawkeye: It's sort of a cute vulture.
 
Margaret: Don't you ever shave?
Hawkeye: Just my legs.
 
Margaret: I am going to get you a new shirt. This one's nice, but I hate it.
Hawkeye: This shirt has stains on it that hold some fond memories for me.
 
Charles: What you need is a humility transplant.
Hawkeye: Unfortunately, you'll never be a donor.
 
Potter: As you were!
Hawkeye: I'm always as I were, but thanks anyway.
 
Hawkeye (about BJ taking Charles' caviar): Did Charles mind?
BJ: Didn't say a word. Didn't even wake up.
 
Margaret (in the jeep with Hawk): Do you have to sing?
Hawkeye: I didn't bring my tap shoes.
 
Margaret: Why are you taking this road?
Hawkeye: Because they are not shelling it! I'm trying to avoid roads that are in a process of disappearing.
 
Margaret: Drive ahead, they didn't hit anything.
Hawkeye: They hit the road! You didn't call that anything!
 
Margaret: How can a grown man be so mechanically incompetent?!
Hawkeye: I take a lot of cabs.
 
BJ: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Hawkeye: If you're thinking what I'm thinking, are you thinking of stinking?
 
Klinger: You are a nice guy, Father.
Mulcahy: I am a priest. We specialize in nice.
 
Mulcahy: Good news! No more wounded!
Potter: Thank Heaven.
Mulcahy: And the manager thereof.
 
BJ: It's in Korean.
Radar: That's my handwriting.
 
(Hawkeye tastes the gin and nearly chokes on it)
Radar: How can you sirs do that to yourselves?
Hawkeye: Everybody's got to have a hobby.
BJ: Ours is committing suicide.
 
Hawkeye: Why aren't you sweating?
Charles: In the first place, I don't sweat, I perspire. In the second place, I don't perspire.
 
Klinger: Maybe he is cheating?
Hawkeye: How? I hid all the aces.
 
Klinger: It's green, it moves...
Hawkeye: My lunch.
 
Hawkeye: "Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?"
Sidney: "Sex."
Hawkeye: "Why?"
Sidney: "I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble. Sex is why we drink. Sex is why we give birth. "
Hawkeye: "Thank you, doctor."
Sidney: "I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call."
 
 

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DrSidney@mash4077.com