Here I put the hallmark of M*A*S*H -- funny quotes and expressions (it's a comedy series, after all), but you can also see
(sometimes you have to quote the phrase that provoked the quote ;-))
(Recently added quotes are displayed at the beginning and are separated from the old ones by the line)
A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark. -- Hawkeye
All it needs is a little salt.... pepper.... mustard, catchup, sauce, flavour. -- Trapper
This is Frank Burns, one of our best surgeons. A real killer. -- Henry
This is the best thing that ever happened to me since I did my first strangulated hernia. -- Henry
Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less. -- Hawkeye

Well, what's the slop du jour? -- Hawkeye
If you want a drink, sir, -- compliments Henry Blake -- brandy, scotch, vodka. And for your convenience, all in the same bottle. -- Radar
If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy. -- Hawkeye
Oh, go salute yourselves! -- Margaret
The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off. -- Hawkeye
Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. -- Frank
I want you to accord Major Houlihan attention and respect according to someone who achieved her high rank and sex. -- Henry
Do you know that you look just like my father before he died? -- Margaret
Radar (in a letter): As usual, I'm writing slowly because I know you can't read fast.
I am not so think as you drunk I am. -- Margaret
This is the first case of teenage male menopause. -- Hawkeye
Halloween in Korea -- bobbing for shrapnel. -- Hawkeye
I am going to live through this even if it kills me. -- Klinger
I want foxholes there, there, there and there -- each one smartly dug. The kind of hole a man can throw himself into with pride. -- Frank
You ever had one of those wars where everything goes wrong? -- Hawkeye
You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!!! -- Frank
Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethoscope? -- Hawkeye
Come on stupid, don't play dumb with me! -- Hawkeye
Corporal, deform the men. -- Frank
Henry, you are bursting with something, your face could open a branch smile! -- Hawkeye
She's offered her body to science. Time and time again. -- Hawkeye
I've gotten "Thank you" notes from people I said I'd never see again. -- Frank
This is captain Pak, R.O.K, this is lieutenant Mulcahy, G.O.D. -- Henry
How can you kick out this little puppy of a person? -- Hawkeye to Frank about Radar
That's what I understand from a very reliable gossip! -- Frank
Quiet, will you? The man is trying to be dull. Go ahead, Frank, dull away. -- Trapper
It's Mrs. Colonel, your wife, sir. -- Radar
Sit down, Trap, it lets you use your best part. -- Hawkeye
After the way I am having a bust made out of your head, or, possibly, the other way around. -- Hawkeye to Margaret
I've never seen you in your underneath before. -- Radar
It's Frank's birthday, I wonder how old he is. Let's saw him in half tonight and count his rings. -- Hawkeye
Poetry, right? That's great how they can rhyme and be hot at the same time. -- Radar
Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They are a little short in the latrine. -- Hawkeye
What? He changed to psychiatry? That's crazy! -- Radar
Frank, you've been pushing your stethoscope too far in your ears. I think it scratched your brain. -- Henry
Well, I guess that's a bear we all gotta cross. -- Radar (this one really cracks me up!)
Oh, I am fine. Well, not really, I am closer to lousy than fine. -- Radar
How would you like to donate a pint of blood through your nose? -- Trapper
I told you the food here should not be taken internally. -- Hawkeye
Ugly color, 40 years out of style, fits like a tent? It's a class A uniform alright. -- Hawkeye
You know what time it is? It's quarter to dead! -- Hawkeye
Every time he tickles those ivories, the entire elephants' graveyard turns over. -- Charles about Father Mulcahy playing piano. (This is certainly one of my favourite, only Winchester could have said it!)
It's the first time I've seen orange juice labeled "freshly killed". -- Hawkeye
Get away from me before I get physically emotional! -- Radar
I am going to name my first wife after him. -- Hawkeye about Radar
It always amazes me how a baby can take a normal adult and turn him into a babbling idiot. -- Potter
You different men are all alike. -- Margaret
You'll have to excuse these two, they are themselves today. -- Potter
Hawk, you are shaved, cleaned, dressed! It's revolting. -- BJ
If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid. -- Radar
Why don't you sirs act like sirs, sir? -- Radar
It's 3 'blessed' a.m.! Even roosters are comatose! -- Potter
What good is it to be a Ferrari if you are out of gas? -- Corpsman Ignazio Desimone
You are toying with me like a cat with a dead moose! -- Corpsman Desimone
Us? Put in cement? We are doctors, not dentists. -- Hawkeye
I can't do it, I'm not a psychiatrist. I am not screwed up enough. -- Hawkeye
Carbon paper in the safe -- what brilliant foresight! In only 2000 years it will turn into diamonds! -- Charles
The only thing Charles remembers fondly from his childhood is his hair. -- Hawkeye
This is the last darn sock I darn until the war is over. -- BJ
Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion. -- Col. Flagg
You blow another kiss, Pierce, and those lips will never walk again. -- Potter
Any father of Margaret is a father of mine. -- Hawkeye
The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted! -- Father Mulcahy
You have to give Winchester a credit. He is bright, educated, and an A-1 surgeon, and with all that he still found a room to be a total jerk. -- Potter
Any mindless baboon can see she isn't here, including me. -- Frank
May the mother of your camels spit in your yogurt! -- Klinger
Hi, good-looking, get sick here often? -- Hawkeye to Margaret
I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! -- Hawkeye
I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions -- Hawkeye
What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married, but figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D', but figure 'A' can't keep his hands of figure 'B' because she's got such agreat figure? -- Trapper
Never insult seven men when all you have is a six shooter -- Potter
Insanity is just a state of mind. -- Hawkeye -- This is one of my favourites!
Klinger, it's my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant -- Henry
I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife -- Potter
Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head -- Frank
Always trust your car to a man who has a star -- Hawkeye
I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot -- Frank
Oh Margaret, you're my snug-harbour. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into. -- Frank
Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp through the woods, lies in a ditch on the edge of town... -- Hawkeye
I've got two kids of my own. I'm a former child myself. -- Henry
Hawkeye, someone came in here and committed a neatness! -- Trapper
The enemy cuts off your supply line, lets you get cold and hungry and then they go right for your soft underbelly. That's where the rifle fella. -- Frank
You know you're beautiful when he's angry -- Hawkeye
Frank, it's after six, you can stop being snotty! -- Henry
Ah, Klinger, my constant reminder that Darwin was right! -- Charles
Besides one of us is in love with Henry, and I think its me! -- Hawkeye
Forward...Drink! -- Hawkeye
You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first. -- Hawkeye
...In the meantime, be on the lookout for a male caucasian lamb. He is unarmed, and considered to be delicious. -- PA announcer
Praise the Lord and pass the sauce! -- Hawkeye
Boy seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes  me proud every time I throw up. -- Klinger
So, to me that's a tip-toe through the tullips -- Potter
What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind...actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost. - Hawkeye
I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five. -- Hawkeye
...but know this. You can cut me off from the civlised world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid an festering sewer. -- Charles
Mind your own beeswax -- Frank
I'm a life long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen -- Hawkeye
Oh go practice your putts! -- Frank
Talking to Major Houlihan is the same as talking to me as we are intimate with each other at all times -- Frank
Corporal, deform the men. -- Frank
Go peddle your fish -- Frank
Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life in as much as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it. -- Henry
I don't chew my cabbage twice. -- Frank
It's nice to be nice to the nice.-- Frank
You are the 10 most boring people I know -- Trapper to Frank
Oh, pedal your petunias! -- Frank
Let's shoot him and put him out of our misery -- Hawkeye
We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear -- Frank
Here's a mover and a groover and it ain't by Herbert Hoover. It's for all you animals and music lovers. -- Radar as a camp DJ's the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinko's and fellow travelers. 'Course without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don't get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don't get the idea you're doing the CIA any favors. We don't really need Americans like you, we don' need anybody. -- Flagg
I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich. -- Hawkeye
Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled. -- PA
The glee club meets in the mess tent at o-eight hundred hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo "I'm confessin That I Love You." -- PA
Attention all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday. -- PA
A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at fourteen hundred hours. So everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there too; we can only hope he's sober. -- PA
Attention. Attention. One minute to Charlie. The betting book is now closed. -- PA
And now direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week, 5 O'clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism! -- PA
And that concludes 5 O'clock Charlie for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed him as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to ya. Results of the pool will be announced in just a few minutes. Join us tomorrow same time. Until then, have a nice war. -- PA
And here he is for your wartime pleasure, the one and only, 5 O'Clock Charlie! -- PA
So as he flies the blue lady of the skies into the sunset, we say 'aloha, 5 O'clock Charlie' and return to our duties. Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure. -- PA
Attention. Major Houlihan, your chest x-rays are ready and they really came out beautiful. -- PA
Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today. -- PA
Attention all personnel. By order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp. Anyone not in their own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are. -- PA
Attention all personnel. Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film which has not arrived yet is cancelled. A reminder from Colonel Blake, due to the flu kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary. -- PA
Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours. Any nurse wishing to be the bride please contact the captain. No experience necessary. -- PA
Attention all personnel. Since there are no casualties again today, tonight's midnight movie will be seen at nine o'clock this morning. Also, midnight will be cancelled. -- PA
Attention. Attention all personnel. No casualties expected for indefinite period. AFRS announces the release of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp. Everybody's going home but us. -- PA
Attention. Attention. All personnel may stand down. Armed Forces Radio reports that General Mark W. Clark has just been appointed commander of the U.N. forces in Korea. General Clark succeeds General Ridgeway who succeeded General MacArthur. And that's the news generally speaking. No one's succeeding us at all. -- PA
Testing, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 testing. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I got a gal in Kalamazoo... -- Radar over PA
Captains Pierce and McIntyre report to O.R. immediately! Move it...sirs. -- PA
Testing, tes...1,2,3. Testing, 1, 2. Radar here, uh..there's nobody on the radio now except 'Seoul City' Sue so I figured I'd keep you entertained by reading you a letter from my mom. Here it goes. Dear Son, I got your lovely letter. You certainly asked a lot of questions. About the car, you may. About Jennifer next door, yes. About Eleanor Simon, she did once or twice but not too much. About your uncle Albert, uh no on drinking, yes on AA. About the dog Leon, three times in the bedroom, once under the washer, and twice on the cat. Testing, testing. About the cat, we don't have one anymore. About your cousin Ernie, he's in the...(explosion) Oh! Oh! Here we go again! Watch out! -- Radar over PA
Attention all personnel. Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week -- PA
Attention all personnel. Attention. The eagle screams today. It's payday. All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede. -- PA
Sorry, camp. Attention! By command of the new commanding officer, all officers report to the commanding officer's office, sirs. -- Radar over PA
Attention. Here's a bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjon: after six weeks of negotiation, the U.N. and North Korea have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound are to be thirty-two feet, six and one quarter inches high. World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace. -- PA
Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double. -- PA
Attention everybody. Incoming wounded. Get yours while they last. Tell your friends.  -- PA
Colonel Potter, Sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section 8, head to toe. I'm wearing a warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out. -- Klinger (And I love the colone's reaction: "Horse hockey!")
I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Quoc, a very dry martini. A very dry, arrid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowel of a martini. I want a martini that could be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini. -- Hawkeye
I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. -- Hawkeye
I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite! -- Hawkeye
What in the name of beelzibub -- Potter
Pigeon pellets -- Potter
Great Caesar's Salad -- Potter
Cow cookies -- Potter
Horse hockey -- Potter
What in the name of Marco 'BLESSED' Polo... -- Potter
Where in the name of Carrie's Corset... -- Potter
Holy hemostat -- Potter
Jumping Jeosephat! -- Potter
The next person who's nice to me dies is going to die with boots on. Mine! -- Potter
We'll get around him or my name isn't whatever my name is. -- Hawkeye
Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do -- Hawkeye
This was a great war, 'till you guys showed up -- Frank
Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of the charges, they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana and promoted him to Lieutenant-Colonel.
Enemy advances bring medical advances -- BJ
Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced -- Potter
With a screw driver I'm a regular Leonard daVinci -- Sgt. Zale
Now you take World War 2. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as eskimos, had overun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it. -- Potter
Let's see. Jacket, sweater, robe, sweater, sweater, shirt. I'm practicly naked. -- Hawkeye
Hello, excuse me. Attention out there, would corporal Radar O'Reilly please report to his going-away-party? All of your friends would love to see you, while they can still see you. -- Hawkeye over PA
She kicked me and then she messed all my files from M to Zee and everything... And then she got mad. -- Radar
MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it? -- Charles
You just have to kill germs, you don't have to hang around for the funeral. -- Hawkeye
Money is far down on my list, major. It comes second or third...... Second. -- Margaret
You're what Freud would call Spooky -- Sidney
Don't play dumb with me, you're not as good at it as I am -- Flagg
I am only paranoid because everyone is against me -- Frank
 Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who. -- Radar reading the letter Hawkeye wanted to sent to Frank's wife.
Horse hockey! -- Potter
Road apples! -- Potter
Great balls of fire! -- Potter
Mule muffins! -- Potter
Busload of bushwah! -- Potter
Hell bells! -- Potter
Crock of beans! -- Potter
Mule fritters! -- Potter
Monkey muffins! -- Potter
Buffalo bagels! -- Potter
Buffalo chips! -- Potter
Hot mustard! -- Potter
Hot sausage! -- Potter
Pigeon pellets! -- Potter
Pony pucks! -- Potter
Beaver biscuits! -- Potter
Cow cookies! -- Potter
Bull cookies! -- Potter
Pig feathers! -- Potter
Jumpin' jompers! -- Potter
Suffern' saddlesoap! -- Potter
Sufferin' sheepdip! -- Potter
Scuttlebug is as common as cooties in your skivvy! -- Potter
Great Caesar's Ghost... -- Potter
Great Mother McCree... -- Potter
Where in the name of Carrie's Corset... -- Potter
What in the name on beelzebub is going on here... -- Potter
What in the name of Sweet Fanny Adams... -- Potter
What in the name of Marco "BLESSED" Polo... -- Potter
What in the name of Samuel Hill... -- Potter
What in the name of Great Caesar's Salad... -- Potter
What in the name of George Armstrong Custer... -- Potter
Pierce, are you deef? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post-haste! I'm the boss here! I can do that! -- Potter
Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye -- Sidney
Are you eating breakfast cereal or is that just a bad telephone line? -- Klinger
I get the feeling I'm speaking in ever-diminishing circles as I disappear up my own mouth hole. -- Hawkeye (well, this is not really hysterically funny, I know, but just try to imagine that!)
He's got eyes in the back of his stethoscope. -- Hawkeye
For your condition you are in great condition -- Hawkeye
I haven't volunteered since the day my draft board tied me up and sent me here. -- BJ
Round and round they go, here comes your cards, there goes your dough. -- Hawkeye
Are you going to be a mother, sir? -- Radar to Margaret
You look like an ad for death -- Hawkeye